Classmates Who Voted Kevin McCarthy “Most Likely to Succeed” Express Chagrin

BAKERSFIELD– Members of Congressman Kevin McCarthy’s high school class expressed profound remorse and chagrin over their senior year decision to label him “Most Likely to Succeed” after the California Republican was ousted from his position as Speaker of the House of Representatives on Tuesday, October 3rd after just nine months on the job.

In a statement published shortly after the vote, more than two hundred members of the Bakersfield High School Class of 1983 wrote that the dramatic turn of events had left them with “egg all over” their faces. “When we gave Kevin the title of ‘Most Likely to Succeed,’ we had high hopes. We thought he could be a senator or a football coach, or even a seafood-based fast food mogul. When he got elected Speaker of the House, we patted ourselves on the back. ‘Not too shabby,’ we thought to ourselves.

“Oh how times have changed. To have put your faith in the success of one man, to have made him the avatar for your collective aspirations, and then to watch his political career fall to pieces at the hands of some slick-haired motherfucker from Florida named Matt is one of the most spiritually crushing ordeals a person can experience. It’s akin to watching your favorite son go to prison for indecent exposure.

“It’s worth noting that this is the first time the House has ever voted to remove a speaker. Kevin is literally pioneering new ways of failure. There’s no hiding from the fact that we got this 100% wrong, and we will be doing a lot of soul-searching in the months ahead.”

The alumni added in a postscript that Kevin could regain their trust, but it would require “something big” such as “winning the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay” or “producing a chalice filled with the waters from the Fountain of Youth.”

When asked for a response, McCarthy said, “I’m really sorry, guys.”