Scientists Finish Figuring Out Which Berries Kill You

THE FOREST — Scientists have finally come up with a comprehensive list of which berries will kill you, which you can safely eat, and which will just make your tummy hurt. The implications of this are monumental. With access to this information, hunter-gatherers around the world will no longer need to guess whether they can eat a certain berry.

The scientists who have compiled this list have not publicly revealed their methods, but an inside source claims it was done through a highly advanced scientific process known as “trial and error.” This advancement has fantastic implications for the future of cooking. According to rumors, this may mean that the nuts and berries salad you have for dinner every night may not make Little Timmy drop dead (like last time).

However, the list of which berries are poisonous isn’t publicly available as of yet, as the scientists regrettably stated that written communication had yet to be invented. “We’re working on it.”