“I’m Such A Klepto,” Says White Girl Stealing Banana From Baker

HYDE PARK — One banana has gone missing from the fruit section of Baker Dining Commons, Eric M. Heath, the University’s Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, announced in an email to the entire student body Wednesday.

Eyewitnesses report that Olivia Connecticut, a local white girl, was spotted leaving the scene with a banana in hand crying, “OMG, I’m such a klepto. They really need to stop me right now.” Connecticut was also heard confessing to other recent misdeeds. “I can’t even, guys. This morning, I turned my stove all the way up. I’m such a pyro, you guys.”

At press time, the UCPD is still investigating the crime, but has ruled out Ms. Connecticut as a suspect despite her confession. “We’ll be sending dozens of squad cars south of the Midway in search of the offender,” said a UCPD spokesperson. “We won’t rest until all of them are caught.”