New Startup Matches Douchebags to African Safari Animals They Can Kill

POLSKY — “Poachify”, a startup founded by Booth Fellows Meacarn Avour and Hunter Wolff, breaks new bounds for what “libtards” [sic] find acceptable in today’s culture. The company looks to bring about the end of animal suffering. “For too long have we allowed zebras to be terribly mauled by lions out in the wild. Now, we can dispose of them humanely — with guns.”

Poachify calls itself the Uber of animal cruelty. “You can quickly request an animal by its family, genus, and species,” said a company representative. “The app works with dynamic pricing, so we recommend booking on Tuesday afternoons. Don’t forget to leave a tip for your Safari Guide — it’ll all go to us!”

Environmental activists have touted the app as “pretty messed up” and “the solution that we didn’t ask for, but thanks, I guess”. A UNEP spokesperson commented: “This is a wonderful way to cut down on Africa’s carbon emissions. For a while, people were trying to get them to stop using propane stoves and decrease their water intake. But this app will allow us to take out the largest carbon producers — lions, zebras, chimpanzees, mammals in general — and convert the byproducts into luxury items. For the Earth, of course.”