Area Parents Contemplating Eighth Divorce

JET’S PIZZA — Parents of fourth-year Ilya Jidimat, who remarried just in time to visit for his birthday, were seen Saturday screaming over how much to tip the Jet’s Pizza waitstaff, eyewitnesses report.

Jidimat’s father, who witnesses described as ‘pushing 55,’ ‘looking extremely tired,’ and ‘probably at the brink of his second midlife crisis,’ was accused by his on-again-off-again wife of “eyeing up the cashier.” In response, Mr. Jidimat folded his calzone into a ball and threw it to the ground, terrifying onlookers and prompting his wife to threaten yet another 6-figure settlement.

The pending divorce proceedings are reportedly being handled by Looke, Hughes, Bach, and Egen, a Chicago-based law firm specializing in ‘high-numbered’ divorces.