Lightfoot Promises 4-Hour CTA Delays “Only Some of the Time”

Incumbent Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot pledged that, if re-elected, the CTA will be massively delayed “only some of the time”. As part of the mayor’s re-election announcement, CTA President Dorval R. Carter, Jr. stated that his agency is committed to curtailing transit delays to under four hours by 2025.

“As the stewards of this city’s transit system, we know how important it is that we listen to the people of Chicago,” Carter said at a press conference. “And the people of Chicago are saying, ‘We’re okay waiting for the Red Line if it only takes three hours and fifty-nine minutes or less.’”

In an effort to achieve the ambitious new target, Carter said the CTA would resort to previously unthinkable measures such as hiring a couple more bus drivers, elaborating that, “in times like these, it’s some hands on deck.”

Carter also said the agency would put an end to “ghost buses,” a term that refers to buses that show up on CTA trackers but fail to appear at the stop. “While it was, admittedly, pretty fun fucking with people at first, the joke has gotten old by now and we plan on giving it a rest for at least the next few months.”

CTA riders who spoke with the Dealer said the move would be life-changing. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that only half my waking hours will be spent waiting for the Blue Line to show up,” said Logan Square resident Nick Gomez. “I, for one, am voting for Lightfoot.”

Others were less pleased. “I’m gonna miss the ghost buses if I’m being honest with you,” said Barbara Jones of Hyde Park, who explained they added a “much-needed element of spooky fun” to her commute.

Asked if there were further reforms coming to improve CTA service, Carter told reporters, “Do I look like Santa Claus to you? Or maybe the Tooth Fairy? Do I have fairy wings sprouting out of my back? Do I have a little wand that summons money out of thin air? Do I? Huh? Do I? Do I? Jesus fucking Christ.”