Frats Release Statement: “Hey Look, A Cool Bird!”

HYDE PARK — In the wake of the University’s announcement that campus would be entering a second lockdown of the quarter, a group of UChicago fraternities released a statement. Notably, after various fraternity parties became the superspreader event that led to the shutdown, the statement doesn’t mention the parties at all, nor does it provide any sign that the frats will be taking responsibility for their action. Instead, it focuses entirely on a “very cool bird” that all UChicago students ought to “look at, right away.”

The statement reads:

We, a collection of UChicago fraternities, would like to address—

—hey, look behind you, yes, all of you! Is that a very cool bird, or what? You should look at it right away, before it flies off. Isn’t it cute sitting in your windows? It’s got, um… colorful feathers or something, we guess. 

That is one fucking awesome bird, and if you’re not focusing all of your attention on it, you’re seriously missing out. We’d probably say that bird is cooler than any in-person social interaction you could have in the next week or so. It’s that great! Look at it, like, fly around and shit.

Furthermore, we’d like to stress that UChicago’s frats in no way deserve to suffer any consequences— oh my god is that another bird? Two birds! How often do you get this opportunity? 

Think about it: if it weren’t for lockdown, you’d never get this once in a lifetime experience! If students weren’t stuck in their rooms right now, there’d be no way they could ever look outside their windows to see such beautiful… um, bird-ness, we don’t know what it’s called. Students should be grateful for the opportunity UChicago frats have provided them, and should feel honored to be able to look at such a dope-ass bird.

You’re welcome.