Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65

With just a few days left before election day, the presidential race has entered its final hours. And facing a steep deficit in many national and key state polls, the Trump campaign has chosen to change absolutely nothing about how they have campaigned up to this point. In a stunning twist that has shocked pundits, Trump has, against all previous understandings of his personality and demeanor, refused to change anything about how he conducts himself and continued to blame literally anything except himself. 

The object of his rambling ire this week? Not Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer, nor Dr. Anthony Fauci, or even reason itself—but instead, according to a statement released by the Trump campaign earlier this evening,  so-called “liberal-marxist identity politics”.

The Dealer was a member of an elite group of journalistic sources, including Russia Today, Breitbart, and Obbumerisakenyancommie.ru to learn of this lack of change in direction early, at an exclusive press conference held today on Air Force Two. Vice President Pence personally delivered remarks after taking off from Ohio, wrapping up a two-day campaign stint as part of his “kiss-your-neighbor-as-yourself” tour. Mr. Pence warmly greeted the crowd, cheerfully swapping spit with select journalists before introducing Trump’s schedule for Twitter fixations this week.

Warning that the forecast was only but a model, and that events with roughly 1 in 10 odds (such as Trump feuding with Taylor Swift this week, among other, less important things) still have a good chance of happening, Pence announced that “identity politics” would be the central theme of the week. Acknowledging that “America has ignored and denigrated for far too long the average American: the balding blue-collar midwestern white man aged 40-65,” the Vice President denigrated “the elite liberal media’s ridiculous fixation with narrowly defined identity groups.” 

“These men are truly the most oppressed people in America since Christian Bakers,” the Vice President said. He concluded his remarks by warning that “these liberal-marxist identity radicals” were ultimately conspiring to “destroy everything that makes our conservative, traditional Christian America what it is.”

The Vice President’s appeal was met with an immediate positive response among the targeted demographic. Bill Holmes, a 55-year-old construction worker from Lansing, Michigan, applauded the Trump administration for “standing up against political correctness and forced diversity” which he says “has politicized every aspect of our culture.” 

“I mean, hell,” Holmes concluded, “you can’t watch TV or play a video game nowadays without some character being shoe-horned in for idpol “politically correct” purposes. I identify as a true American, an evangelical Lutheran (Missouri Synod), and a Reaganite conservative, and in the America I come from, there are two races: white and political; two genders: male and political; and two sexualities: straight and political. It’s nice to see the Trump campaign acknowledge just how ridiculous these narrow liberal snow-flake identities truly are.”