6:00 am. Tuesday, January 15, 2019. A couple hundred students rise before the sun and shuffle into Henry Crown Field House to do suspiciously cult-like “sun salutations.” And all for what? A Capri Sun? House spirit? No, the students are there for one reason and one reason alone. That elusive Kuvia T-Shirt. Only those who brave the cold and the drowsiness for five days straight capture the illustrious garment. But why go through all that trouble. Here are eight easy ways you can get a free t-shirt at the University of Chicago.

1. Drink toilet water from KPTC

The Kersten Physics Teaching Center supposedly has the worse plumbing on campus, but the physics department is doing its best to change that reputation. They are offering a free t-shirt to anyone who will drink the water from any bathroom in KPTC. The t-shirt is brown and mockingly says “I eat shit, do you?”

1. Give the economics department a gold bar: I once walked into Saieh Hall, knocked on a professors door, and handed him a gold bar, demanding a free t-shirt in return. Much to my astonishment, the professor accepted my offer, taking the gold bar from me as an appeasement to the free market spirits. The shirt is green, and written largely across the front it says “Haha this fucking idiot doesn’t understand what ‘free’ means.” The meaning of this cryptic message will always be a mystery to me
2. Get an appointment at Student Counseling Services: It is rumored that students who manage to get an appointment with student counseling services don’t actually get any counseling, but they do receive a T-shirt for their efforts. Some even claim the T-shirt makes them feel better.
3. Say Marx three times in front of a mirror at 3 AM: Turn off the lights, run the water in the sink, and stare into the mirror at three am. Utter his name. “Marx. Marx. Marx.” His angry spirit comes to those UChicago students in need. Once the apparition is before you, all you need to do is take his shirt. Private property is an illusion.
4. Murder your roommate in their sleep: Perhaps summoning ghosts seems a little daunting. For a simpler solution, kill your roommate. I recommend doing this while your roommate sleeps, as, in my experience, they will be less likely to fight back. Once they are dead, raid their closet and you will have your pick of the lot.
5. Join a sports team: They’ll give you a shirt.
6. Eat Bartlett’s “soup:” Over twenty years ago, Coup announced what is perhaps one of the most challenging ways to acquire a free T-shirt. Whoever can eat even a single spoonful of any “soup” served in Bartlett Dining Commons get an article of upper body clothing at no cost. Much like the Physic department’s shirt, it is brown and says “I eat shit, do you?” To this day, no one has completed the challenge.
7. Defeat University of Chicago Bursar Michael Kocelko in single combat: If you ever see Bursar Michael Kocelko around campus, throw down your glove in front of him. This action signifies a challenge, a duel to the death. At the beginning of the duel, administration will give you a plain white T-Shirt. Once single combat has ended, you will either be lying dead on the ground or triumphantly be wearing your new, favorite, blood-spattered T-Shirt. As a special bonus, if you defeat Kocelko in single combat, you also become the new Bursar of the College.