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UC Leaks: Robot Under Mansueto Lonely, Depressed
By Alex Morales Aug. 25, 2017 A report titled “Final Overview: Mansueto Systems Anomalies” details a long string of investigations and investments whereinthat were the administration attempteding to restore normal function to the…
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UC Leaks: Questionable Purchases
By Dan Lastres Aug. 25, 2017 It’s no secret that the university’s finances are not in great shape.; Between a struggling endowment and a high demand for buildings to name, the administration has…
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The UChicago Sports Cheers You Need To Know
By Chase “The Fanatic” Harrison Aug. 25, 2017 Rooooooollllll ‘Roons! Give me an A (No!) Give me an B (No!) Give me an C (No!) Ok, g. give me an C- at least!…
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How Short Is Too Short? Dressing for Office Hours
By Breck Radulovic Aug. 28, 2017 When it comes to grading, it’s no secret that professors can be cruel, arbitrary, and entirely motivated by lust for their young, nubile students. So, how’s…
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Letter from the Editors
By James Ekstrom and Christopher Deakin Aug. 6, 2013 Dear Reader, As a First Year, just beginning your college career, you are beset with Orientators, persons of medium authority attempting to orient your…
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Why We Won’t Be Accepting the Nobel Prize for Truth-Telling
By Editorial Board of The Chicago Shady Dealer Oct. 12, 2017 The Chicago Shady Dealer is honored to have been awarded the illustrious Nobel Prize in Truth-Telling. In these dark times when truth…
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Weirdo Humanities Major Shoves Entire Chicago Manual of Style Up His Ass, Again
By Ella Hester Oct. 17, 2017 A third year Weirdo is preparing for his third annual consumption of the Chicago Manual of Style, by way of his asshole. When asked of his methods,…
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Saturn V Rocket Carrying Satellite Dorm Explodes on Launchpad
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 Early this morning, members of the university community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance. Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways,…
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Opinion: Call Me a Millennial Again, and I Will Summon the Pumpkin Lord
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 17, 2017 As a twenty-year-old living in this country, I am so fed up with being labeled as a “millennial.””. The term has grown to encapsulate everyone in my…
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Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Only Has Enough Batteries to Power Her Remote Control, Vibrator, or Fire Alarm
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 17, 2017 Area woman Tricia Meyers became the unfortunate victim of a resource shortage when her supply of AA batteries fell below three. Meyers, 27, had just sat down…
