Why We Won’t Be Accepting the Nobel Prize for Truth-Telling
By Editorial Board of The Chicago Shady Dealer
Oct. 12, 2017
The Chicago Shady Dealer is honored to have been awarded the illustrious Nobel Prize in Truth-Telling. In these dark times when truth is stranger and sexier than fiction, we believe that our hard-hitting journalistic excellence portrays issues in a nuanced and complete fashion, without fail. We entered the marketplace of ideas and jousted with noble competitors: the Chicago Maroon, the New York Times, and even Sean Spicer’s chauffeur. Alas, we emerged victorious.
However, we, the Editorial Board of the Shady Dealer, feel we cannot accept this well deserved award. Instead, we intend to give it away for free. We cannot be beholden nor indebted to a cohort of fancy Swedes which has bestowed all its other prizes to a bunch of fucking nerds. We have no desire to be in the company of such losers.
As soon as we made our intentions known, we received a harshly worded letter from President Zimmer’s office which we have reprinted below:
“We were utterly disgusted when your biased, fake publication was awarded the prestigious Nobel Prize in Truth-Telling (NBTT). The NBTT has eluded the University of Chicago Press and its parasitic sub-publications for decades, and we don’t understand how the honorable Nobel committee could have made such a mistake. That said, our institutional greed is mightier than our institutional purity. We are deeply thirsty for this ninety-first (91st) medal. Nobel Prizes prove the central tenet of our hallowed institution: ‘The University of Chicago will make you rich.’ For these reasons, and several others we have not the time to mention, we urge and threaten you to rethink your decision to reject the NBTT.”
No threat from on high can change our decision to give away the Nobel medal for free, suckers. We shall not accept any Nobel Prize until we win them all, in one calendar year. The Shady Dealer refuses to be defined by its talent in truth-telling when our skills in other areas have gone unrecognized. Our copywriting skills are unparalleled; our style guide alone deserves the prize in Literature. Our brilliant research into the nature of our universe deserves prizes in Physics, Chemistry, and Philosophy. Our exploration into the various ways the human body can produce gas, fluids, and solids of an indeterminate nature warrant an award in Medicine. Finally, our Editors in Chief single-handedly ruined the first sustained nuclear reaction over 75 years ago, delaying the advent of the nuclear age by at least seven months and saving countless lives.
In sum, while we are greatly pleased by the recognition given to us by the Nobel Committee, we feel it is reductive, incomplete, and embarrassing. Thus, we cannot claim this award. However, if the Nobel Committee insists on wiring the prize money to our individual bank accounts, we shall not protest.
