Weak Roommate Declares State of Emergen-C

By Chris Deakin

Dec. 24, 2013

According to a release from Brian the subletter, 5414 S. Woodlawn Ave., Apt. 2, is currently in a state of Emergen-C. The state was declared less than twelve hours ago by highly susceptib-L roommate Carl. To ward off impending disease, the apartment will be under the control of both Carl and the popular vitamin C supplement until further notice.

In a statement made earlier today, Carl said the declaration was necessary to combat imminent threats to his health. “[My] constitution is under attack from multip-L fronts. I’ve weighed our options, and I see no alternative but to make use of the apartment’s strategic Airborne reserves, which I’ve stockpiled for just such a contingence.”

Carl has suspended grocer-E runs and utili-T payments for the foreseeable future. Roommates and subletters alike have been urged to ration both carrots and Minute Maid in an effort to outlast the season to which Carl is particularly vulnerable. All normal channels of communication to the four-person walkup have been replaced by a looped reel of Head On commercials and the color orange.

“We’re obviously all very worried for Carl,” said Brian the subletter through a surgical mask soaked in coconut oil and ginseng. “We’re more than happy to support him in his new role as Emergen-C Govern-R, even if it means that any sneezers will be summaril-E executed.”

Odds are good that the apartment’s supplies will hold out until aid arrives. Outside support is expected as soon as Carl’s parents can find the postage.