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Oct. 14, 2016
Students returning from their summer break were surprised to find the meal stations in their dining halls filled with various animal bones. The change prompted by the University’s transition to a new meal provider, Bone Appetite, which provides students with a diet consisting exclusively of bones.
“I thought it was a joke at first,” said third year student Amanda DuBois, sucking the marrow from a large chicken bone. “but I talked to my RHs, and apparently this is for real. We’re not going to eat anything but bones for the whole year.”
In response to the numerous complaints, Bone Appetite reminded students that it offers a wide selection of bones from various animals. A company representative told the Dealer “we pride ourselves on offering diners the finest bones that the animal kingdom has to offer. We serve traditional bones such as pig, cow and chicken, but also offer exotic specialty bones, such as walrus, alligator, antelope and rat. In addition, we have provided buns and various condiments for those students who wish to make bone burgers as well as several dressing choices for bone salad.”
“This whole thing is totally outrageous” said second year David Owens. “I told my dining rep that I was vegetarian and he glared and me and said ‘just eat the damn bones’. I was totally flabbergasted.”
When asked about the negative reaction to it’s choice of meal provider, the university administration confirmed that it has no plans to alter its decision.
“We are confident that Bone Appetite is the right choice for UChicago and its students” said a University representative while gnawing on a large bone. “We understand that there will be an adjustment, but we are confident that our students will come to understand the joy of tucking in to a nice, big, juicy bone.”
Not all of the University’s employees are in support of it’s decision, some of whom expressed outright alarm at the change.
“There are definitely some human bones mixed in here” said anatomy professor Dr. Janet Brownstein. “There was a human femur at the kosher station and I’m pretty sure I saw a tibia at halal. Something is wrong here. Something is really wrong.”
At press time, incidents of choking had increased on campus by 400%.
