University Fraternities Launch New Breathalyzer Program

By Daniel Betancourt

Sept. 15, 2013

Following the startling success of last year’s “Beer and Bowl Buyback Days”, the University of Chicago revealed in a press release Friday that it plans to work in close partnership with campus Greek organizations to institute a new breathalyzer program, requiring that students pass a breathalyzer test before entering or leaving fraternity events, school events, or any other social occasion.

“We’re just glad to be taking a little more responsibility for the welfare of the students,” said senior William Cayuso, president of the University’s Pi Kappa Alpha chapter, which in the past two years has donated $35,000 to the UCPD’s Alcohol Sniffing and Attack Dogs units. Ultimately, this is a place for students to learn without distraction, and UChicago’s fraternities are not only leading by example, but really taking initiative in ensuring that students handle their recreation in a safe, moderate, and controlled manner. “It’s really the local vendors, though, that make instituting student safety on this level possible,” said Cayuso, as he unloaded fruit punch for upcoming O-Week events. “If they weren’t so resolute in ensuring that minors cannot purchase or gain access to alcohol, our safety measures would be little more than a farce.”

When reached for comment, every second and third-year student was seen filling out transfer applications to Brigham Young University, where, in the words of second-year Max Davidson, “They know how to fucking drink.”