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April 17, 2017
Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking UndertakingBy Thomas Noriega April 2nd, 2017. We all saw it. We all felt it. Roman Reigns pinned The Undertaker after a grueling half-hour match. A man who has died and come back in stunning victory finally fell, leaving behind a trench coat, a wide-brimmed hat, and a legacy. The world was so consumed with what happened, that we didn’t know what was coming. At a press conference in his native Death Valley, CA, Michael J Undertaker revealed what plans he had for the next phase of his life/unlife.
“I have undertaken this name, this profession, this life, for decades,” he began, surrounded by his loving family and a half-dozen of his managers, “I have been an icon in the ring, and that has translated to incredible personal wealth and the opportunity to inspire millions of people to take their problems to the squared circle. However,” he paused to take a photo with a couple of 8-year-olds and their disturbingly excited father, “I have been under close personal scrutiny in my private life, and it has taken a significant toll on my family. Under these considerations, I knew I had to take a new direction going forward.”
Body-slammed by a wave of sadness, the Undertaker struggled to continue. “There is another reason I must leave the WWE. When I was still underage, my father wanted to take me under his wing and teach me how to be an undertaker, the undertaking my family has taken on since time immemorial. It is too late to take him up on that offer, but I myself undertook the task of undertaking at his funeral, which took place the weekend after Wrestlemania 32 (DVDs starting from 17.99).” A brief highlight reel of his father’s life was shown, complete with flashy graphics and a shot of The Undertaker pile-driving to the funeral in his antique hearse. “It was then that I undertook a difficult personal journey to understand what has taken me to this point.”
“I took some time off from taking down underdog fighters, and as I sat under a tree near my father’s grave (sponsored by Coca-Cola), it hit me. To say I finally felt at peace would be an understatement.” The Undertaker took a moment, taking his time to appear underwhelmed. “I feel as if my career, while far from underpaid, has been an underhanded trick, taking me away from my roots and underutilizing my talents. When I buried my dad, I took to undertaking, and I need to take up the mantle of a true undertaker to make up for not taking up my family’s undertaking. I will take the next generation of undertakers under my pale, well-sculpted wing, and take the ferocity I have taken to the ring to the grave.”
As the Undertaker began to leave, fog machines and strobe lights already beginning to run, he made one final announcement: “The Undertaker has died, but he will forever be an undertaker. I will not be taking any questions under these circumstances.”
