Undergrad Begins Quest For Truth

By Zach Augustine

Aug. 2, 2013

Incoming first-year Sally Danderson is determined to finally solve not one but several of the vital issues that have been plaguing philosophy for all of recorded human history, sources reported Tuesday of O-Week.

“Look, I didn’t set out to disprove God but someone’s gotta do it.” Sally said as she stepped off her GO Airport Express shuttle fresh from O’Hare. “There’s really no time to waste.”A trip to the Reg for her mandatory ID photo gave Sally time to get in some O-Week philosophizing, sources confirmed yesterday. The Class of 2017 Facebook page reports that she is, in fact, a direct descendant of both Plato and the Oracle. “It’s just good to get a head start. Hopefully I can knock off a few of these eternal questions before my advisor meeting. Man, I hope I get into Phil Per.”