The White on White Crimes You Need to Know

By Deb Mukerjee

Jan. 29, 2018

Losing your friends in the snow

Look, it happens. It’s cold and windy and we’re all wearing four pairs of pants and scarves over our seeing sockets. We just want to be warm and out of the snow. I get it. All I’m asking is that we be a little bit more careful about where we step, because Brad’s been missing for a week now and that snow drift is only getting bigger. 

Hockey

As an ethnic person, I don’t know a lot about hockey. I’ve actually never even met an ethnic person who’s passionate about hockey. If you know any, please drop me a line. At my high school, the hockey team had to carry around these huge sweaty duffel bags, probably filled with ice for them to skate on and sticks to…whack the ice with?? Unclear. One of the boys on that team once told me that he got punched at a game one time and his blood bounced on ice. We’re married now.

Williams Sonoma 

I am actually very grateful for the Williams Sonoma catalogue because without it, I would not know which season it is. That being said, the United Nations should definitely institute one or perhaps several commissions with the express purpose of investigating how it is legally, morally and ethically okay to charge $60 for a roll of artisanal twine. My heart goes out to every $75 pair of rose gold salad tongs without a home. 

Saying “Targee” instead of Target

IT DOESN’T MAKE IT FANCIER JENNA JUST BUY YOUR TOILET PAPER AND LEAVE.

Yelling at the manager at Whole Foods

If you are just now realizing that this list was organized by the severity of the crime, congratulations! Please don’t yell at Kale, the manager of your local Whole Foods. He is just trying his best, and he doesn’t really know where the dried paprika is either.