Suspicious: Every College Council Member is EXACTLY 6’2”

By Milena Pross

May 6, 2016

Okay, something’s up and I can’t be the only one to notice it. I’m not normally one to dive into conspiracy theories, but there are just too many coincidences for me to ignore the situation. As soon as I got to UChicago, people warned me that politics around here were a bit crooked and nefarious. I didn’t want to believe them, but once the seed was planted I just couldn’t look away.

For nearly two years I’ve been following College Council like a hawk. I read their notes, attend their meetings, and rummage through their backpacks. I’ve been following the money and graphing who votes for what, but something still wasn’t adding up. Then one day it just hit me while I was reading their medical charts… a tiny detail caught my eye and confirmed what I had always suspected: every single member of college council is six feet and two inches tall.

6’2”. The figure haunted me for weeks. How had I not seen it sooner? The executive slate, the class representatives, dammit even the elections and rules committee.… Tthey’ve all shared the same above-average height for years without any of the rest of us catching on. And that’s what really irks me—if every college council member were 5’6”, even 5’9” or 5’10” for all I care, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. But they’re all significantly taller than average, and that’s a power dynamic I just can’t stay quiet about.

I tried to spread the word, but the elections came too soon. Yesterday the votes were counted, and despite all my efforts, once again every new elected officer is, you guessed it, 6’2”. This raises so many questions: have they always been 6’2”, or do they grow to that height once they receive enough votes? Is it some kind of secret cabal with a language only they can speak? Do they share pants? All these mysteries go unsolved, but this uncanny pattern does explain a few prior enigmas: divestment, for example, and the decision to implement U-Pass and have fewer airport shuttles… it all makes a lot more sense now that we know they’re the same height, doesn’t it?

Though I take great comfort in confirming what I guess I always knew, I still have so many more questions than answers. Now is the time to call for action, to call for transparency. Ask your college council representative today: “How did this happen? And how can I help?”