Strategic Reserves of Plastic Bags Under Sink Still Full

By Chris Deakin

Feb. 1, 2015

In a statement released this morning, roommate Charles confirmed that the deep storehouse of grocery bags located under the kitchen sink is well-stocked and will remain so for the foreseeable future.

Charles, also known as the roommate who has never even tried to use a reusable grocery bag, added two THANK YOU-covered plastic bags to the reserves this morning after purchasing his usual haul of Pop Tarts and a small jar of extra crunchy peanut butter. After violently compressing the ample stock of plastic bags so that the cabinet door would close, Charles announced in a loud official statement that “should the apartment ever need a disposable plastic bag, we have them. We have bags galore!”

The written statement that accompanied Charles’ speech was afixed with a magnet to the refrigerator, where Charles also stores his Pop Tarts, for some reason. “Our apartment stands on a firm foundation in relation to any plastic bag-related contingencies, imaginable and unimaginable,” Charles wrote, wiping the sweat from his brow with a plastic bag, “We live in a time of surplus. We have nothing to fear but holes.”

When reached for comment, the other residents, Julie and Ahmed, expressed relief and even a little bit of pride. “Oh, plastic bags? Great. We could use them to pick up dog shit, if we had a dog.”