Sexually Repressed First-Years Upset Over Record Low Numbers of “Turkey Drop” Break-Ups
By Marc Whyte
Nov. 25, 2018
Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family, eat lots of food, and end their long-distance relationships. However, a new report from the University of Chicago’s Center for Interdisciplinary Inquiry and Innovation in Sexual and Reproductive Health points towards a new Thanksgiving trend: high school sweethearts are sticking it through the mid-quarter holiday.
“I’m shocked. Like, what the fuck is this?” said first-year Srihari Kejriwal, who has remained single for his entire life. “All the second-years promised me that the hot women in my house would be single after Thanksgiving. I was even told that they’d be looking for break-up hook-ups during ninth week! I feel violated!”
The Center’s report found that while 96% of UChicago first-years ended their high-school relationships over Thanksgiving break in previous years, only 38% did so this year. When asked to explain the new phenomenon, Dr. Erik Montgomery, the report’s author, explained: “I can only presume that these teenage romantics have found new ways of pleasing each other over long-distances, or at least have found ways to guilt themselves into continuing their relationships into the new year.”
First-year Ana Yu, who had just returned from a trip home over break, corroborated this theory. “I had everything planned out. I was going to meet my boyfriend Wednesday night when I got home, then break the bad news. But, when I started to talk to him, he just ripped his shirt off, and boy was he hot. I’m talking full six-pack, nice tan, and very energetic. You don’t really see that from any UChicago guys.”
On the flip side, first-year Alan Blumfield explained his tip for mitigating a Thanksgiving disaster: “My friends were warning me that my girlfriend might break-up with me over break, so I just made sure to make every moment count. I skipped class to fly home early and get the finest chocolates and roses. I even went out of my way to steal that Russian vodka from my parents’ cellar. Let’s just say, this holiday season, I sacrificed some head and ate out as much as possible. Must’ve been a memorable experience ’cause she and I are still together.”
Not everyone on-campus is upset over these developments. James Nondorf, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid, told the Shady Dealer that the College received a substantial uptick in transfer applications following Thanksgiving break. “Hey, if kids wanna maintain their relationships by coming to the same college, who am I to judge?”
At press time, Srihari was seen leading a group of single first-years back to their dorms, remarking, “Don’t worry y’all, we’ll get ‘em in winter quarter!”
