Sexual Experimentation Fails Peer Review

By Morgan Pantuck and Reed Thurston

April 23, 2016

A controversial study submitted to the New England Journal of Medicine was officially rejected for publication this past weekend following peer review. “Butt Stuff: An Examination of Phenomena Beyond Fourth Base,” by James Abbott & Emily Knight, was expected to make a large impact on sexology and related fields. However, the Journal released a brief statement explaining that the study simply had too many holes for publication.

In particular, the work was strongly criticized for its small sample size and lack of proper control groups. “I have great respect for both Abbott and Knight,” explained University of Chicago researcher Elaine Nguyen, who helped review the case. “However, just because they have been married for twenty years and both have PhDs does not mean that they can run an entire experiment by themselves.”

Nguyen also noted that the authors refuse to report an exact p-value. “I don’t know why Abbott is so sensitive about his p-value,” she commented. “It must not be very significant.” Knight, for her part, was recently quoted in Time magazine in favor of abandoning p-values altogether, since so many authors exaggerate them. “Less than 5% my ass,” she reportedly mumbled while viewing an image on her phone.

While many critics do not believe the experiment can be saved, several have offered suggestions for potentially improving the protocols. “I advised that they re-run the experiment under blind conditions,” noted Dr. Gregory Rothschild, co-author of “MMF Threesomes: Do They Make You Gay?”, which was published in Nature in 2011. “If Emily [Knight] were willing to wear one of those silk scarves over her eyes, like in 50 Shades of Grey, I would find the results more convincing.” Dr. Rothschild also generously extended an offer to join the research team, if needed, and offer his personal expertise.

Abbott and Knight have yet to officially respond to criticism. However, one of Knight’s colleagues, Patricia Corinth, told the Dealer in confidence that future research will be delayed by at least a week while the authors “cool off” and “re-examine their marriage” following an argument about whether or not they should attempt to film and publish additional trials. The Dealer tried to reach Knight at her mother’s house, but received no comment.