Sexiest Man Alive Also Only Man Alive
By Si Squires-Kasten
Feb. 1, 2015
NEW YORK November 19, 2159
On Tuesday, Person (née People) Magazine awarded Juwan Murphy, the sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust of 2158, the title of “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2159. Previous winners have included Denzel Washington, Ben Affleck, and the cyborg actor HANK-3050.
Upon being informed of his nomination, Murphy reportedly thought the award was a joke, later telling the magazine that, should he encounter another human being, he expects to be “teased quite a bit” about the recognition.
Asked how he stays so thin, the former Staten Island native extolled the virtues of a disciplined diet and exercise, explaining that his daily battles with the six foot cockroaches that scurry through the desiccated husk of Western civilization have provide him with at least two hours of cardio daily.
Juwan also told Person that he prefers to sleep without pajamas, he’s memorized the first chapter of James Thurber’s The 13 Clocks, and he cries nightly recollecting the tortured screams of his loved ones as they perished in last year’s apocalyptic fire.
Murphy is currently single after 17 years of marriage to his high-school sweetheart. Better act quickly, ladies! Men like this don’t stay on the market for long.
