Mitt Romney Still Cries Self to Sleep at Night

By Breck Radulovic

Feb. 18, 2016

The 2012 election haunts many of us, but no one more so than former Massachusetts governor Willard Mitt Romney. Tormented by his loss to President Barack Obama, Mr. Romney reportedly cries himself to sleep at least 47% of nights.

Mr. Romney told the Shady Dealer, “Back in 2012, I could never have imagined that I would one day be racked by sobs as I flip through binders full of embarrassing and down-right revolting mistakes I’ve made. Now, that’s the grim reality I live in.”

For the former Republican nominee, this has been a learning experience, yet Mr. Romney finds it hard to bear the weight of despair roughly equivalent to that of a dog inside of a dog cage on top of a station wagon. “I used to say corporations are people, but now I just wish the American public knew I am a person, too. I struggle with the same demons of a middle class American, making $2500,000 a year. Paul Ryan’s piercing blue eyes float above me at night, torturing me with their look of deep Midwestern disappointment.”

Mr. Romney’s personal turmoil has been worsened by the 24/7 news coverage of the current Republican primaries. “I say that I like firing people and I lose an election. Donald Trump says it and comes in second in Iowa!”

So, what does the future look like for a man used to being settled for and then coming in second?

“I’m turning over a new leaf and looking toward 2020. Each night I bottle the tears leaking from my eyes and send it to Flint, Michigan to make up for the time I wrote that op-ed saying ‘Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.’”

Despite struggling with near-constant dehydration, Mr. Romney said he is looking forward to failing to unseat an incumbent Hillary Clinton.