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May 26, 2015
Last Tuesday, as the final phase in her Let’s Move! program to promote health and fitness among American youth, First Lady Michelle Obama officially released a large pack of trained dogs to chase obese children until they lose weight. These dogs are the new centera new feature of the First LadyMichelle’s Let’s Move! program, which worksaimspromotes to promote general health and wellness fitness and general healthgenreallin our children. Let’s Move!, until recently a broad set of incentive programs and in-school curricular additions, is now centered principally around its nascent Dog Wing. From Great Danes to Siberian Huskies, thethe dogs come fromrepresent a wide variety of species, united only by their uncanny innateability come from a largewide variety rrangeof species and backgrounds, and have all been specially trained to detect and pursue to chase overweight children until they.‘re whipped into shape.
According to Michelle, the dogs serve as a sort of “‘double whammy” treatment, treatment’ for encouraging imporvingimprovingboth an active lifestyle and healthy eating habits.: Tthe child participants getbenefit from physical exercise while fleeing from the ravenous dogs, and are consequentlyy they are unable to stop and eat. This combination of relentless exercisetraining and merciless starvation ishas beenis proven to eliminate child obesity at a revolutionary pace unmatched by clinical and family interventions .
Studies showsuggest that the primal fear of wild animals nearly triples, at a minimum, the amount of fat burnt in thean average child per hour. This terror is a unique unique sensation —one thatthat only a voracious pack of dogs can reliably inspire in a child.
“The strong will live, the weak will die, and power shall reign as absolute truth,” MichelleFirst Lady Obama saidsays Michelle. “We shall will sacrifice a ripe virgin to the hounds at the break of dawn, and we shall prosper in the coming cycles of the Moonfor the next moon cycle!“” She then broke into ancient language while carving symbols into the ground.
Our sources The Dealer attempted to interview the Let’s Move chase dogs, but waswasDealer representatives werebut instead were chased around the White House Lawn until ourtheir collective BMI hit 20.0.
Michelle Mrs. Obama plans to sendcommits particularly badsevere cases of child obesity tto an intensive fitness session known only as The Kennel. Information about The Kennel is classified, but children are said to leave it“graduate” with consistently a thin waists, and glassy eyes. look in their eyes.In order to push her agenda, Michelle has introduced multiple hashtags to promote her cause, such as #woofsquad, #doggypaddle, and #ruffriders.
MichelleAt press time, tThe First Lady and President Barack Obama were last seen cheerfullysipping sparkling water on lawn chairs,and watching the Let’s Move! children running for their dear lives from a particularly large pack of raving hounds.
