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Feb. 25, 2017
In a shocking announcement, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences stated that legendary actress Meryl Streep has tested positive for the performance enhancing drugs. Streep, who has been been nominated for twenty Oscars, will formally surrender all of her records and awards.
“We are absolutely stunned by the revelations surrounding Mrs. Streep, though we were always a little suspicious,” said the President of the Academy Cheryl Boone Isaacs. “Meryl’s performances were all a little… too good. Her tears in Sophie’s Choice always seemed a little too big. And she was so iron in The Iron Lady, it was almost unbelievable.”
Mrs. Streep spoke to the press hours after the announcement. “I did not know I was doping!” stated Streep. “My acting coach just told me they were multivitamins!”
However, veteran entertainment blogger Jessie Tanner noted, “Even in her press conference, Streep’s performance was weaker than usual. Sure she seemed upset, but I didn’t really feel her devastation. She didn’t transport me.”
As per the Academy’s doping rules, all performers involved with Mrs. Streep will also be stripped of their awards. In the future, all actors and actresses nominated for Oscars will be subject to urine examinations.
