Man Called “Big Dave” Confirmed To Be Big

By Ryan Fleishman

April 22, 2016

After an exhaustive search into the various quantitative measurements of local resident David “Big Dave” Smith, scientists from the University of Chicago have announced Tuesday they have confirmed Big Dave to be markedly remarkably big.

“We’ve evaluated all popular Western scalar measurements of size, including height, weight, and wingspan, and each of Big Dave’s numbers qualify as big,” said Jaime Larson, head of the University of Chicago Biology Department., Theywhich compared Big Dave’s sizes to a control group of over 1,000 randomly selected individuals whose nicknames were not related to their size. “After putting the data gathered from our experiments through a T-test, chi-squared test, and full ANOVA, I can say without a shred of doubt that Big Dave is quite larger than his peers, thus warranting his name.”

At press time, top researchers from rival universities have reportedly raised doubts intotowards the necessity of confirming Big Dave’s bigness. In response, t, but the University of Chicago willhas announced that they will attempt to quell these doubts with a definitive new inquiry into the size of Large Larry.