Love Child Becomes Love Adult

By Evan Bernstein

Nov. 16, 2014

Love Child Becomes Love Adult

Sources close to Jeffrey Tanenbaum report that the twenty-five-year old graduate student has completed his transformation from a child of lust to an adult of also lust.

Mazel Tov!

Tanenbaum’s mother had no comment on the milestone in young Jeffrey’s life except to say that she is “very proud.” and she hopes he’ll call soon, maybe Tuesday?

Once the spawn of passion and desire, Jeffrey “Jeff” Tanenbaum ended his long journey to become a fully grown man with passion and desires of his own. According to his friends, the MFA hopeful has sought after women before, but not with the full arsenal of sexual and sensual prowess with which he is now armed.

Having recently become the human embodiment of sex sex sex, Tanenbaum is set to approach his love life in the same way he approaches his painting — with the fury of a thousand winds and the delicate touch of an angel in heat. This new achievement in young Jeffrey’s life will likely herald many adventures and endeavors for the Michigan native, including, but not limited to, sex on cake, sex outside, and sex in space. New opportunities for Tanenbaum may also include sex on a plane, sex for an hour, or sex in costume.

The Dealer has compiled a non-exhaustive list of sexual acts that the newly-maturely-lustful Tanenbaum may soon find himself engaged in:

Sex in the dark

Sex with two women

Sex with three women

Sex in a chair

Real good kind of sex

Sex five times!

Sex while in love

Sex while in overalls

Hot hot sex with hot hot ladies

Every day sex

Everyday sex

“Oh no I think I broke it” sex

Under-the-blankets sex

Over-the-blankets-under-the-comforter sex

Gotta have it right now! sex

Butt sex

(While certainly not a complete array of the kinds of love-making Tanenbaum can expect in his near future, The Dealer has gone to great lengths to compile an appropriate, representative spectrum.)

As of press time, Jeff is ready to roll.