Jim Webb Eats Large, Sloppy Sandwich

By Nik Varley

Oct. 16, 2015

Viewers of last night’s Ddemocratic debate were surprised to see presidential hopeful Jim Webb eating a large, sloppy meatball sub throughout the event.

Several minutes into the debate, Webb tucked a napkin into the collar of his shirt and withdrew the sub from his podium, visibly salivating as he eyed the sandwich. Webb proceeded to take a huge, messy bite and chew loudly throughout Martin O’Malley’s response to a question from moderator Anderson Cooper.

“The whole thing was just really weird,” said O’Malley after the debate. “The sauce was getting all over the place, his face was basically covered. He kept taking these enormous bites and winking at me when he swallowed; it was very disorienting.”

The greasy, goopy sandwich did not stop Webb from participating actively in the debate, although several of his points were delivered through mouthfuls of zesty meat and bread. Audience members in the first row were reportedly covered in a fine spray of grease, sauce and pork flecks.

“At one point, he started to answer a question, dropped a meatball, and spent the rest of his time rooting around under the podium looking for it,” said a bewildered Anderson Cooper,. “When he found it, he popped it into his mouth like it was nothing. It was bizarre.”

Webb, despite his obvious enjoyment of the sandwich, made no mention of it until halfway through the debate, when, out of nowhereapropo of nothingout of nothing he loudly exclaimed “God damn, this is one helluva fucking sandwich!” He then took several enthusiastic bites and slammed the podium with his fist.

“Mmhmm that is a goddamn sandwich right there. That’s the genuine fucking article” stated Webb, interrupting a response by Bernie Sanders.

Most of Webb’s fellow candidates ignored the enormous, slippery, beefy sandwich, the exception being Hillary Clinton, who told Webb to “quite being a little bitch and just wolf that fucker like a man.”