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Oct. 14, 2016
Undisclosed members of the Maroon Key Society leaked Monday the administration’s future architecture plans to replace all dorms with ivory towers.
The correlation between the new contruction of North and the rise in UChicago’s ranking in
US News and World Report could not be ignored. “Clearly, the next generation of college students do not want to live in historic buildings with quirky communities,” said Admissions Director Dorfnon during the meeting. “They want to eschew metaphor in favor of literality and be able to point at their dorm and say, “Hey, look I’m better than you.”
Rising past number three in the nation is a difficult challenge and it requires innovation like none other. During the monthly Maroon Key Society, Deans of the College workshopped their plans with a select group of third and fourth year students. The announcement was primarily met with shrugs and resignation.
“I mean, we might as well live up to the stereotype,” said one fourth year majoring in Fundamentals with a minor in the History, Philosophy, and Social Sciences of Science. “We’re nerdy, we have no social skills, we live in an ‘ivory tower’ in the south side of Chicago, why not embrace it and actually all live in ivory towers.”
At the meeting, questions were raised to whether they might as well construct a glass bubble over campus if they are going to go this far. College administrators refrained from commenting, but one student says they “definitely saw Dean Ellison scribble the idea down”.
