Chicago Shady Dealer

Doctors without Boyers Embarks on First Mission

By Daniel Moattar
April 21, 2014

The Pritzker School of Medicine’s inaugural Doctors Without Boyers expedition departed Hyde Park for the Republic of Somaliland today, becoming the first party of U.S. doctors to embark on an aid mission without Dean John Boyer in the lead. “John’s been a real credit to the organization,” said Pritzker nephrology resident Dr. Zhang Jiegu. “You have to see his array of skills to believe it – stitches and sutures, sucking out snake venom through his mustache, clearing brush, field microsurgery, conversational Tagalog, bargaining with warlords, interpretive dance – it’s all saved our lives at some point. But we felt it was time to strike out on our own and move on.”

Pritzker’s elite staff has long been regarded as little more than an adjunct to Boyer’s “cavalier” medical globetrotting. Stories from the Boyers with Doctors era, all extensively fact-checked by The Dealer, include his rescue of an entire Hmong village from marauding Viet Cong armed with only a bamboo spear and a slain enemy’s teeth; the development of the polio vaccine (often mistakenly credited to Jonas Salk), which “just came to [him] in a dream,” and the selective breeding of corn from maize. “I have to admit, it’s a little nerve-wracking to think of going in there without Dean Boyer,” remarked Pritzker epidemiologist “Big Jim” Weatherford. “We used to call him ‘Mano’ Boyer, because he’d perform two transplants at the same time, one hand each. While taking down phone numbers. Lots of ‘em. But I think we’ll be fine. Does anyone remember what the spleen does?” If the present Doctors Without Boyers mission is a success, says Dr. Jiegu, Pritzker’s elite health squad already plans to undertake a second journey – this time to “a real healthcare wasteland, maybe Chicago.”