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Jan. 17, 2017
Throughout his three years as a student in Social Sciences at the University of Chicago, classmate Brady Schultz has insisted that every single essay, paragraph, and problem set he penned be called a mManifesto.
Wikipedia defines a Mmanifesto as “a published verbal declaration of the intentions, motives, or views of the issuer, be it an individual, group, political party, or government.” According to Brady, every piece of work he produces is a manifesto because he believes he is his own group, party, and government. Also, he is extremely smart (more than anyone else), so his work must be recorded as manifestos for future generations.
“I am too smart for these political parties, so I created my own party: The Schultz Party for a New World Order. We at the Schultz Party believe in independent citizen sovereignty, so I naturally ecessarily have become my own nation of Schultzland,.” sSaid Brady, who has created his own driver’s license and passport from construction paper and crayons. “Honestly, I would not write manifestos if I wasn’t just so smart and morally corectcorrect morally and factually that I owe them to the world. I call it the smart man’s burden.”
This insistence has occasionally lead to strife between Brady and hiswith teachers. Last Mmarch, Brady attempted to startalmost got into a physical altercation with Professor Todd Maloney in the Cinema and Media Studies Ddepartment after the professor forgot to italicize Brady’s Manifesto on tThe Many Faces Of Seth Rogen in an email. While assault is illegal, Professor Maloney has refrained from pressing charges out of pity. Professor Maloney said, “I simply felt bad for the kid after he called his fists ‘Manifiestos of Pain’.”
Just last week, Brady started a hunger strike in retaliation to the math department banning his manifesto approach to calculus. “If the mathematics department will not accept my The Integral Manifesto, then my stomach will not accept food,” said Brady. He then spent the next three hours explaining how The Integral Manifesto is comically charming because it is both a manifesto on integrals and extremely integral towards human society (due to his massive intelligence). Brady has reached day 8 of his hunger strike, yet the only response from the math department so far has been “wWe do not care.”
Brady does not yet know his future plans, but he has confidence that his infallibility and truly flawless brain will lead him to greatness, like his role model Alex Jones.
