Classifieds

By Matthew Goldenberg and Morgan Pantuck

Oct. 21, 2014

“Lab” partner wanted

Looking to experiment with girls. Must have significant biology and chemistry background, advanced laboratory skills, a research portfolio, and huge ol’ tits.

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Lonely Grad Student Seeks Sensual Green Card

Looking for someone to support and protect me with a close and personal relationship during my graduate studies in the U.S.

Have tried taking the traditional route with green cards before, but it’s never worked out. I’m still confident there’s one out there for me.

I am charming, work hard, and won’t steal your job. No need to pay me.

I enjoy long walks on the path to citizenship.

Green card should love greeting potential employers and staying on my person at all times.