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Feb. 18, 2016
After a careful, objective investigation, sources close to the Shady Dealer are reporting that apathetic area man Stanley Novovoselic is actually just pathetic.
“I mean, I thought he just didn’t care about anything because there was no intrinsic value in it, but there have to be some exceptions for hygiene and all, right?” said neighbor Quinn Bay. “He doesn’t seem to have those exceptions.”
Other neighbors also shared words of concern.
“He moved away from his wife and kids to go on a ‘quest to discover himself as a man’ or something,” said neighbor Sonya Tang,. “I don’t know how that quest is going, but I do hear the click-clackck of pool balls and the smell of cheap beer all the time.”
When asked what he does with his own free time, Novoselic, who is unemployed, had this to say:.
“I have this awesome, powerful computer for late-night World of Warcraft raids and my old frat listhost from college,” explained Novoselic,. “Also, I try to be ecologically conscious and not wash my clothes, sheets, or body too often. People always give me ugly stares when I tell them that, but I’m the one stopping global warming.”
Though hard to accomplish sometimes, Novoselic is also committed to eating a paleo diet for his own health. “I mean, the paleo diet’s all about organic meats and stuff, but it’s kind of hard to afford it on my salary,” While the diet, which focuses on organic meats and vegetables, can be expensive for some,said Novoselic, an occasional sperm donor, claims he can find all the meat he needs at McDonald’s or Harold’s Chicken Shack, “cooked just the way our ancestor‘s ate it.”
As an example of his paleo diet, Novoselic then proceeded to eat the Lunchable pepperoni slices that had been left under his sheets.
