Alexander: Great Ruler or Greatest Ruler

By Alexander the Great

Feb. 4, 2013

Author’s Note: Alexander the Great apologizes in advance for the following display of enthusiasm – he is writing on his favorite topic, after all.

What is up, bitches. There are many reasons why you might be reading this treatise. It could be because you saw the name Alexander the Great underneath the title and felt a sharp tingle of desire radiating down your spine. It could be because Alexander the Great was in your dream last night, kicking your country’s ass and taking other countries’ names. Maybe it’s because Alexander the Great’s flowing mane of hair shimmers like the rapidly gushing blood of a thousand Greek infantrymen.

(Actually, you’re most likely reading this because you’re a member of the educated elite and Alexander the Great has issued a mandate throughout his domain that you must read about his greatness, or else suffer swift consequences. But Alexander the Great feels your pain.)

Okay, no. Did you ever stop to think how truly and profoundly bad-ass your Ruler and Conqueror truly is? So there’s this horse, right? Bucephalus, they call him. Horse is crazy as hell. Completely whacked out. Alexander the Great is telling you guys, this horse motherfucking ATE PEOPLE who tried to ride it. Ate. PEOPLE. And Alexander the Great’s dad’s all like, “Meh. Go ahead, son.” So this little thirteen-year-old punk walks over and rides that horse like a damn professional, and then he just comes back all like, “What. I just rode the most dangerous-ass horse on the PLANET and I’m still not old enough to shave or understand social nuance.” (Alexander the Great is paraphrasing here, mind you.)

And what about the time that Alexander the Great’s daddy went on extended leave and left little Alex to rule the roost at age sixteen? And by the roost, Alexander the Great only means the ENTIRE kingdom of Macedon. Sixteen! Yeah, so this kid’s all like here’s my girlfriend, here’s my Playboy clay tablet, and oh, where did I put my E AUTHORITY OVER THOUSANDS OF MORTALS? Its location must have slipped my mind while I was jerking off in the royal bedroom.

And did Alexander the Great mention those three years when yours truly was taught by Aristotle? His favorite class with him was Human Being and Citizen, although Alexander admits that Aristotle was one of those douchebag professors who constantly assigned his own writings as homework. But still. Aristotle? Other scholars were lucky if they had even heard of Aristotle, okay, it was fucking Aristotle, OKAY? K.

Alexander the Great would also talk about his undefeated military career, which was achieved all while maintaining stable and fulfilling relationships and drinking mirthfully on occasion. But we’re out of parchment – and besides, Alexander the Great doesn’t like to brag.