After Long Deliberation, America Chooses Greater of Two Evils

By Daniel Moattar

Nov. 16, 2014

After long deliberation, informed consideration, and an even-keeled look at the issues, America has handed the reins over to the greater of two profound evils, polling organizations report.

“It was a tough decision,” said registered voter and father of three Cormorant Flack, “but money was tight, my shift boss said he might cut my hours, and things were going slightly too well with the environment. So I voted for, I don’t know, growth and stuff. Growth? Growth.”

United States voters have remained largely sanguine about handing over the mantle of American democracy to a group of people who plan to run it straight into the ground. Statistician and political analyst Nate Silver (’00) suggests that the midterm elections delivered “the ringing endorsement of contempt for human decency that America most needs.”

“We’re a waning superpower,” said Silver, “unable to cope with the onrushing tide of Chinese economic production, ebola, the swine flu, Russia, encroaching poverty, and the warning signs of post-industrial collapse. It’s natural that our collective response has been to stick a long, rusty machete straight in our eyes and twist it around until the pain stops. Metaphorically speaking.”

Power consolidation has provided major political momentum to Congressional Republicans as well. Gallup analysts predict these victories in the midterm elections could substantially aid their effort to completely destroy the workings of government by becoming it.

Moods are running high in the House of Representatives, where submissive murmurs directed at corporate interests have lately given way to manic, irrepressible cackling.

“Blow me,” said incumbent Majority Leader Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “We could do anything – literally anything – at this point. You are nobody and nothing. You can’t stop us. You are a speck of dust. A speck of dust. And I am a four-pistoned, diesel-engined industrial-grade vacuum.”

“I’m going to come into your house and kick your dog straight in its fucking face,” he added.

At press time, our only regret was that Satan didn’t run for office this year.