PHILADELPHIA, 1780—My fellow Americans: we declared our independence from King George to defend our right to self-government. Never is that right illustrated more clearly than in the Washington Awards (the “Washies”), where we may heap awards and adulation upon our most honorable citizens. And while some may disagree with me, I am wholly confident in voting for General Benedict Arnold as “Best Continental Army General of the Year.”

As you recall, Arnold was snubbed at the Washies last year over suspicions that his famously Loyalist wife and famously massive debts were beginning to affect his loyalties. Ridiculous! The man is allowed to have a personal life! If anything, his personal struggles make him more relatable, especially among Loyalists, who have begun to support Arnold’s Washy campaign in droves and probably for no other reason than his charisma.

Why, my support for General Arnold is so strong, I declare that NOTHING could stop me from voting General Arnold for “Best Continental Army General of the Year”! Even if the man joined the British, I should still vote for him! But such a thing shall never happen. Mark my words: the name “Benedict Arnold” shall be forever synonymous with “Best Continental Army General of 1780,” and absolutely nothing else.

Humphrey Ploughjogger

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