The Maroon recently reported that student data in my.UChicago was vulnerable to theft. When I heard the news, I had a few thoughts. ‘Is Duo really doing anything if something like this can happen?’ ‘How could other people even find my data? I can’t find my data!’

But more than anything, I thought, “Is my data on the dark web? And is there anything I can do to get my data off the dark web?” The answer to both of these questions is yes.

Step 1: Turn your computer off and turn it on again. This won’t do anything, but it’s the first thing IT will ask you to do.

Step 2: Go to IT. Tell them yes, you have already tried turning the computer on and off and no, it did not get your data off the dark web. They will probably not fix the problem but might confiscate your computer for a week to try.

Step 3: Sue the University. It’s their fault your data got stolen, and you’ll need the money to hire a team of white-hat hackers to locate your data. (Note: to do this step, you will need to hire a lawyer, which may be tricky now that all your credit cards are frozen because of suspicious transactions in Uzbekistani cryptocurrency.)

Step 4: Assemble your team of white-hat hackers. Some good people to ask might be CS majors, disgruntled former IT employees, and that mysterious Uzbekistani guy who suddenly seems to have a lot of disposable income.

Step 5: Honestly? Let the hackers keep your data. If your name is used to buy crypto in Uzbekistan, at least you know you’ve helped someone, somewhere, somehow. We all have our part to play in the world.