Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg
THAT ONE SPOT BEHIND THE LAW SCHOOL–After two weeks of intense deliberations, representatives from the SCDDU (South Chicago Drug Dealers Union), MESU (Molecular Engineering Students of UChicago), UHCD (United Healthcare Crime Division), and Starbucks (Starbucks) have approved a new, limited-time Adderall® variant for distribution in the Chicago area: Pumpkin Spice! In a press release scavenged from the underside of the Gerald Ratner Athletic Center dumpster, the following product description was written using stitched-together newspaper clippings:
“Say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer, and hello to Adder-fall! Autumn up your undiagnosed anxiety disorder with new Pumpkin Spice Adderall®, available from your local dealer today! (While supplies last. Do not consume if pregnant, pledging, or having consumed dining hall food within the past 12 hours.)”
To better understand the impact of this historic offering, I interviewed SCDDU representative John Rogers, one of the key negotiators in this deal.
Note for readers: Before beginning the interview, Mr. Rogers requested that we list his name as “Not Published.”
The Shady Dealer: “Tell me about this deal. What caused the other seats at the table to give in?”
Not Published: “I honestly thought it would never happen. Our union works with back-alley drug dealers and desperate, drug-addled college students, so working with Starbucks meant lowering our standards tremendously. Their stance towards unions has been… appalling, to say the least. But when I was in that negotiation room, I remembered what my mother told me before my first day of kindergarten: ‘Sometimes, to feed the fishes, you gotta swim with the scum.’”
SD: “That’s….. beautiful.”
NP: “We’re going to help a lot of people. If I have to loosen my standards as a professional to achieve that, so be it.”
SD: “What gave you such a passion for spreading the fall spirit to students?”
NP: “I just feel bad for them. These poor bastards barely see the world outside the library – without us, the only way these guys would know it’s fall is if ChatGPT adopts a Thanksgiving theme.”
