Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal
Following his September speech to top military brass at Quantico, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has announced a partnership with Hugo Boss to design new uniforms.
These outfits are reportedly “sleek,” “intimidating,” and “super cool, dude.” They will be a slimming black color, as Hegseth has realized since his speech that “getting rid of all the fatties” was a taller task than anticipated.
Hegseth chose Hugo Boss for their design choices and a military history he called “deeply intertwined with American values.”
Each general’s uniform comes with a red, white, and blue marker on the shoulder, meant to designate rank and status in the corps. Hugo Boss’ CEO Shirley Natanasi expressed gratitude for the new partnership, saying she hoped it would “continue for the next thousand years.”
In addition to making uniforms for generals, the company is also designing state-of-the-art equipment and gear for the newly formed Strategic Services Division (SSD). Those units, who will be aiding Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and the National Guard in US cities, are fitted with specialized helmets meant to withstand signs, posters, and “intense” yelling from protestors.
SSD will have their first deployment in the ravaged, war-torn hellscape that is Downtown Chicago. And let the Dealer be the first to say: Great job to all! You are very valued! Please don’t tear gas us!
Chase Teichholz
Chase Teichholz is a dim-witted zounderkite. He is pompous enough to research Victorian insults to describe himself, and also, in making it about himself, is a selfish prick. Does Chase have anything positive to say about himself? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Though, given I am Chase, probably not. Where's the fun in that? A potential historical comparison to Chase might be Hannibal Hamlin, save for Mr. Hamlin's exceedingly good looks.
