First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
CAMPUS NORTH, 8AM–First-year Jason Jasonson majoring in Business Economics woke up 30 minutes ago with immediate regret. Last night, after finishing 5 sentences of his HUM essay, he laid down on his bed (something, he explained, that he had never used before) and fell asleep at “fucking midnight.”
He was not able to attend any frat parties that night, engage in obnoxiously loud conversation 3 inches away from one of his housemate’s dorm rooms at 2 in the morning, or even lose any of his father’s hard-earned money at poker.
Jasonson contacted the Dealer immediately, knowing such a horrifying act would require a public apology.
“I swear I won’t let this happen again,” he sobbed. Tragically, at this point in the interview, a ray of sunshine came through the windowblind and fell upon Jasonson’s face, leading him to immediately begin convulsing. Before being dragged out of the room, all our interviewer managed to gather was that Jasonson had never experienced this “phenomenon” before, followed by a request for a coffee chat next Thursday. Jasonson has not been seen during the hours of daylight since, although he can be heard routinely laughing at unparalleled volumes every night in the dorm hallway.
