Pete Hegseth Accidentally Challenges Houthis to Game of iMessage Cup Pong
WASHINGTON—New leaks from the Pentagon have revealed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth accidentally sent an invitation to play a round of Game Pigeon Cup Pong to the Yemen-based Houthi rebels.
In what a spokesman for the Department of Defense is calling, “a completely understandable and tactically secure wrong-number mix-up,” Hegseth reportedly attempted to challenge Secretary of State Marco Rubio to a friendly game of Cup Pong, but mistakenly contacted the Houthis instead.
Through an intermediary, The Shady Dealer was able to gain access to a transcript of Hegseth’s aborted chat with the rebels.
Messages from Pete Hegseth to Houthis:
1:03pm: Marco bro this cabinet meeting is so boring lets play Cup Pong
1:04pm: [Hegseth sends an invitation to play Cup Pong]
1:08pm: O shit wrong #
In a brief statement to reporters, Hegseth insisted his actions were intentional: “I undertook a strategic action to assess enemy capabilities in striking long-range cup-shaped targets with high-caliber spherical ordinance. As Secretary of Defense, I must be constantly searching for new ways to ensure American military dominance on land, at sea, in the air, and in the groupchat.”
In an apparent attempt to deflect further questions, Mr. Hegseth pretended to take a phone call, but wound up accidentally dialling Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei instead.
Houthi leader Abdul-Malik Badr al-Din declared that the group would respond to the “imperialist aggression” of America’s government.
“Already,” said al-Din, “We are formulating plans to confuse and confound the Americans with a fiendish game of Word Hunt.”
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a fourth year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-Editor-in-Chief. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
