Trump in Talks to Buy Atlantis from Aquaman
This week, President Donald Trump became the first US president to meet with King Arthur Curry, also known as Aquaman, the protector and leader of the ocean-nation of Atlantis. After the meeting, Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, told the Dealer that “we are excited about the prospect of bringing our technology to the surface world. It is high time we united with the landed peoples. I am hopeful for a lasting peace bringing together the sea and the land.”
Trump, on the other hand, announced his intention to purchase Atlantis, seemingly believing he was in talks with Aquaman about the “Atlantis” resort in the Bahamas, not the sovereign nation: “We love Atlantis and are VERY excited. An INCREDIBLE resort with beautiful people.” When asked to comment on this mix-up, Trump said, “I was talking with my advisors, and I told them, I said, ‘You know what we should purchase? Atlantis, Their weapons – they go pew, bing, bong, BONG. Our guns only go bing, bing, bong.’ Do you know that? We could use their technology to enforce peace, except in many ways not to do that as well.
Aquaman later stated, “I am extremely disheartened by the President’s rash verbiage. Atlantis is not, and will never be, for sale. How’d he even get here? We’re literally in the middle of the ocean.”
President Trump shot back at a rally on Friday, “Arthur Curry, we call him ‘puny fish-man.’ What a loser! Your tremendous President is here to make a promise: once we have bought it, Atlantis shall be named ‘America in Water.’ America in Water. Isn’t that beautiful?”
In response, Aquaman called on the Justice League to meet and discuss next steps, but Trump later retaliated by announcing Superman’s deportation, writing in a post on TruthSocial, “There is no place for aliens in America. Superman, you’re FIRED!!!”
Foreign policy experts fear a potential armed conflict with Atlantis could be especially dangerous given that the location of Atlantis is unknown. Responding to this concern, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth told the Dealer, “Don’t worry. We’ll find them. Even if we have to nuke every last inch of the Atlantic Ocean to do it.”
Chase Teichholz
Chase Teichholz is a dim-witted zounderkite. He is pompous enough to research Victorian insults to describe himself, and also, in making it about himself, is a selfish prick. Does Chase have anything positive to say about himself? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Though, given I am Chase, probably not. Where's the fun in that? A potential historical comparison to Chase might be Hannibal Hamlin, save for Mr. Hamlin's exceedingly good looks.
