Health Inspection Finds Humans in Cathey Dining Commons

By Alexander Dunlap

May 23, 2013

CHICAGO—The Chicago Department of Public Rat Health has issued a “critical” violation to Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons upon discovering almost three hundred live humans in the dining, food preparation, and serving areas of the cafeteria. The University now has three days to rectify the situation or face a complete shutdown of Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons.

Rat Health Inspector Ezra Longtail explained in an interview that humans pose a serious threat to the health of rats, and that the removal of humans from rodent dining establishments is a top public rodent health priority. The risks are especially severe when humans appear in high-risk rodent dining establishments such as Cathey. Humans carry a wide variety of diseases which can be harmful to rats, and have even been known to attack rats without provocation.

Inspector Longtail noted that a violation of this magnitude would normally result in a complete shutdown of Cathey Dining Commons. However, rodent health inspectors were surprised to discover that, contrary to what is normally observed, the humans in Cathey Dining Commons had caused relatively few rodent health problems to date. Especially of note, even humans identified by rats as “soldiers” (in the Hyde Park region known by the common name of “Aramark employees”) displayed none of the predatory tendencies commonly associated with their normal role in human communities.

Local rat and Cathey regular Shawn Lightfur agreed, expressing bewilderment that Cathey was cited at all. “No idea what they’re talking about, shutting this place down,” Lightfur said. “I bring my family here all the time, and we’ve never had any problems with the humans.Frankly, I think they’re almost kind of cute.”