I Can’t Wait To Slaughter The Wellapalooza Puppies For Their Tender Meat

By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator

Oct. 17, 2013

It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do pretty much the same thing I do every day – send a few mass e-mails, load the Condom Cannon, and attend some Health Promotion & Wellness meetings. After that, it’s Wellapalooza! This is our banner week, so I’ll be out on the quad for the rest of the day, giving backrubs and pamphlets to the people we care about the most – the students. I love this job, of course, but it can be draining. You’re always “on”, you know? Sometimes my usual cool down routine of listening to Swedish techno while watching boxing on Pay-Per-View just won’t cut it. Luckily, I’ll get to spit-roast some puppies and have them for dinner.

I’ve had the hankering for a while but haven’t gotten the chance to indulge it. It’s easy to find puppies in Evanston. That’s what I did before starting work at UChicago. But now, it’s a real trek. No puppy is delicious enough to bother taking the Red and Purple lines. And don’t even get me started on buses. For a while, I thought I was well and truly fucked when it came to chowing down on Shiloh.

I hit upon a solution last year. Everyone loves puppies, especially college students, who are generally infantile messes one step away from drinking from toilets themselves. So why not get the goods shipped to campus? I talked it over with my main bulldog Bobby Zimmer, and he was cool with it. This year, he says he’ll let me use the basement of the Administration building (or should I say Edward Levi Hall?) to host a sick cookout, so long as I invite him and those two dudes who won Nobels.

Making sure UChicago students don’t dissolve into quivering blobs of anxiety is a tough job. I’m glad that I can relax with some juicy puppies, and even gladder that I work for an administration condiserate enough to ship them right to me. Thank you, students. You may be difficult, but it’s your tuition that pays for this deliciousness.

Hugs and kisses, Lindsey