Joan of Arc Burned at Steak and Shake

By Evan Bernstein (1431)

Jan. 24, 2014

And so it was that yesterday, the 30th of May, in the year of our Lord 1431, that the girl Joan of Arc was burned at the Steak ’n Shake for heresy in the first degree. She was convicted a week prior at the Royal Food Court of England. The execution occurred promptly at the moment the Sun reached the highest point in the sky, when the clouds parted so that the Lord could see and smile on the people who carried out His will. The public burning drew a crowd of over one hundred men, although it was unclear how many were in attendance specifically to spectate the execution and how many were present simply to obtain their daily Bacon ’n Cheese Double. Before the fire was lit, Joan assured her supporters that at the stake, her faith was not Shaken.

Just as the wait after the food has been ordered, but before it arrives, the execution lasted only minutes but probably felt like hours. French fries were served, ironically, to waiting customers. The spectacle was accompanied by music and dancing, as well as half-off shakes. After the execution was completed, the Royal Coroner told Le Dealer Shady that the burning was very well done, although medium rare. The reactions to the execution were not all positive, however, as many people had a beef with the legal system. Some believed that the trial was unfair because her lawyer was very unskillet. Supporters of the decision, on the other hand, maintained that she was given the best represenbacon. As of press time, Joan of Arc’s ashes are scheduled to be thrown into an unmarked gravy.