Zimmer Attacked by Mountain Lion

By Alex Dunlap

May 13, 2014

Robert J. Zimmer was seriously injured last week after a run-in with a mountain lion outside his University Avenue home. According to reports, President Zimmer was fumbling for his car keys when the mountain lion sprung out from behind a blue-light phone and proceeding to maul the the University president. Although Zimmer attempted to wrestle with the big cat, he proved no match for the mountain lion’s superior teeth and claws.

Upon seeing the attack in progress, passerby and second-year College student Abraham Johnson immediately called for help. Fifteen responding University of Chicago police officers managed to subdue the mountain lion and load it onto a T3 unit for transport to the jail. The mountain lion was later released after posting $10,000 bail. (Allegations that the mountain lion is a family friend of Vice Chairman of the Board of Trustees Joseph Neubauer remain unconfirmed.)

Zimmer was rushed by ambulance directly to St. Patrick Medical Center in Missoula, MT, which houses the mountain-lion-induced-trauma center nearest to Chicago. Once Zimmer had been unloaded after the twenty-three hour journey, mountain lion-induced-trauma surgeons immediately worked to stop the bleeding, prepare skin grafts, and replace lost internal organs. At press time, Zimmer was listed as in “serious” condition but was expected to make a full recovery.

The incident prompted an outcry from students and community activists about the lack of mountain-lion-induced-trauma care on the South Side of Chicago. “There is not a single mountain-lion-induced-trauma center on the South Side of Chicago,” said third-year in the College Samantha Wu. “If the University of Chicago Medical Center had not closed its Mountain Lion Trauma Center, Zimmer could have been treated just down the street instead of 1,597 miles away.” The Mountain Lion Trauma Center closed in 1899 amid concerns over its high cost of operation and the unsightly appearance of mountain lion victims on campus.

In a “Security Alert” sent to the entire University Community, Chief of University Police Marlon C. Lynch noted that some of Zimmer’s more serious injuries could have been avoided had bystander Johnson used his O-Week-issued mountain lion whistle, and urged students and staff to visit http://www.uchicago.edu/safety/ for more information about safety on campus.