Fourth Year Excited to Procrastinate for Pleasure

By Chris Deakin

May 14, 2014

Approaching the end of a lengthy college career spent putting off both academic and professional work, fourth-year Donald Sterling reports that he is excited to finally have the free time and energy to procrastinate purely for the sake of procrastination.

“Of course, I appreciate the rich opportunities this university afforded me to delay my studies and my internships. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without the formative experiences I tended to leave ’til the last minute. But the day I graduate is the day I’m free to procrastinate on absolutely anything I want to.”

Sterling has no concrete plans for the activities he will engage in after receiving his diploma, but he assures The Dealer that those activities will take him more time than is reasonable. “I can breathe easy now. The world is my oyster. And I’m sure I’ll get around to opening it sometime this afternoon.”

When asked whether he plans to read for fun, Sterling stated for the record that he has not read a book since middle school and is not about to start now.