Second Year Astoundingly Close to Developing Most Fuckable Personality on Campus

By Dan Lastres

Nov. 17, 2014

Second-year Janotta House resident Devlin Ryder has successfully acquired the most fuckable personality at the University of Chicago. After spending all summer learning to hand-roll sushi and practicing photography in New Mexico, Ryder decided to “go all the way.” Since his return to campus, he has acquired a taste for classic hip-hop and developed what he referred to as “mad skills” on the slap bass, forcing all who know him to acquire a taste for Ryder.

A casual participant of most RSOs, he is noted for being very accomplished but not too stressed out.

When his housemates were asked for comment about Ryder’s appeal, the other Janotta residents described him as: “really frickin’ cool,” “nice- smelling,” “kind and funny,” and “neat.” Third-year Melinda Sterso told us on condition of anonymity that Ryder is “approachable and engaging, and I’d totally fuck him for the conversation we’d have over the breakfast. I’m sure he would cook the morning after.”

The Dealer sat down with Ryder in his well-postered room to ask just how he managed to make his personality transcend the realm of likability to reach fuckability.

Chicago Shady Dealer: “Just how did you transcend likability and reach the realm of fuckability?”

Devlin Ryder: “Not everybody has the looks or smarts to compete these days, so I decided to change whatever I could to level the playing field. “

CSD: “Hey… I like your sports metaphors, do you follow any team in particular?”

DR: “I don’t like taking sides in conflicts, it’s about enjoying the game with friends”

CSD: “Wow… that’s really cool of you…. Um… Anyway, How did you go about making this change?”

DR: “I started by burning subtle amounts of incense in my room, and after a while I learned to make it myself.”

CSD: “Is that what that smell is? It’s… it’s divine… uhh sorry, let me find my next question here…”

DR: “You seem stressed… Is everything okay?”

CSD: “I have a deadline coming up and a SOSC paper due next week, but it’s okay, I’ll manage.”

DR: “If you want me to look at any drafts, or if you just need someone to talk to, I’m here. You know what? Let’s relax some more, let me put on some ska.”

CSD: “That’s got a nice groove, where’d you get that record player?”

DR: “I found it while I was foraging for truffles last summer. I spent the better part of an afternoon re-varnishing the wood and engraving a poem I wrote into it.”

CSD: “Do you have a condom?”

The Dealer would like to apologize for not having transcribed the remaining portion of this interview. It was accepted for publication elsewhere, at the website uchicagofantasy.fuckmedevlinryder.com.