News in Brief: October 30, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer
Nov. 19, 2014
Marlon C. Lynch Reassures Students: Security Alert Will Be Sent Within 30 Days of First Ebola Death on Campus
Marlon Lynch, Associate Vice President for Safety, Security, Overreaction, Protest Dissolution, People in Trees, Ebola Management, and Civic Affairs & Chief of Police shared with the University community the protocols to be followed in the event of Ebola contagion.
“The UCPD will carefully monitor all confirmed cases of Ebola at the University Medical Center and will notify students in a timely manner when the outbreak is deemed an ‘imminent threat’ to public safety; students can expect a Security Alert within 30 days of the first death at the UCMD, and a cAlert within 45 days of the death toll rising above 50,” Lynch said in a statement. “We are also exploring several new and exciting options for locations of temporary morgues. In the meantime, Student Health Services will be providing additional preventative care measures to students, such as tropical fruit-flavored chapstick,” he added.
Students expressed relief following the email. “I’m not nearly as panicked now that I know the UCPD has a plan,” second-year Hadi Iskandarani said. “The House’s Well Czar gave us all cough drops and some green tea bags at last night’s house meeting, so I’d say I’m feeling pretty prepared. Plus, my RA is a pre-med.”
Student Finding it Harder to Convince Friends She’s “Just Middle Class” After Parents’ Weekend
Following her parents’ visit to campus over Family Weekend, first-year Blair Sanderson is reportedly having a difficult time proving to her friends at UChicago that she is not “upper class or anything.”
“There are so many things I just didn’t get a chance to explain. Jay and Marion were in and out of town so quickly. I wish I could have told my friends that they stayed at the Waldorf because he flies a lot—you know, for business,” Sanderson said. “It’s not like we’re rich.”
After Blair’s roommate Rebecca Tompkins went to dinner with the family last Saturday night, she reported to theDealer that she “had trouble thinking of the Sandersons as middle class.”
“Her father asked whether I’d like to summer with them on the Vineyard,” said Tompkins. “Summer. Verb.”
After reflecting on Tompkins’s observations, Sanderson responded that the house belonged to her grandmother: “When she moved to Oak Bluffs, it was a really quiet beachside community.”
At press time, Sanderson was heard admitting that her father was among the one percent of highest earners nationally, but “only technically.”
Students at Fall Formal Accidentally Married by Captain
Love and the spray of salt were in the air at Fall Formal, as Captain James Whiskeyshins Nondorf brought every student together in one enormous yet surprisingly touching polyamorous wedding at sea. Reactions to the mass ceremony have varied among students. Milo Marsden, a first year hailing from Utah, was seen shaking his head in quiet admiration at the turn of events. The student group Queers and Associates hailed the move as a “bold step towards embracing alternative lifestyles.” Other groups have reacted in a more negative manner. A representative from the Catholic Students Association, speaking on the condition of anonymity, commented, “Seriously? Like…the fuck?”Several reputable sources have accused Captain Whiskeyshins Nondorf of participating in an elaborate plan orchestrated by Student Government publicists to distract students from StipendGate. More on this tale of romance and intrigue as the Dealer’s news team continues to follow the trials and triumphs of matrimony for the several hundred newlyweds.
Drug Dealer Assures Students Drugs Are Perfectly Safe
Small-time drug dealer and resident of New Graduate Residence Hall Taylor Johnson spoke with the Dealer last Tuesday concerning the safely of her products.
“You know, I shoot up at least once a week, and I’m still doing just fine. It’s a way to enter a new mind state and learn more about yourself,” she explained.
“See the safety precautions here? Just follow these and you’ll be fine. Honest. The only people you see dying on the news are the idiots who don’t do the proper research. You don’t strike me as one of those kinds,” she affirmed with a wink.
“This is probably sufficient evidence, don’t you think? You and I can experiment. I can give you a special discount usually only reserved for friends, since you’re a serious journalist and all,” the small-time drug dealer whispered, caressing the Dealer’s leg.
