After Brief Contemplation, God Decides He’s on Board with Genocide

By Isaac Krone

Dec. 31, 2014

After decades of inequality and economic tension ignited a brutal ethnic conflict in the Middle East earlier this week, God, the all-loving, all-powerful creator of the universe and architect of human life has officially stated that he will not involve himself.

Critics have decried God’s decision as “par for the course,” and “a display of ambivalence … typical of the omnipotent deity,” while God’s numerous supporters insist that he’s made the right move.

In God’s official statement, inscribed upon a badly burned plate of scrambled eggs and revealed through the appearance of the silhouette of our Virgin of Guadalupe on a car dealership window in downtown Miami, the Heavenly Father, blessed be his name, cited numerous reasons for divesting himself from the situation, including budgetary restrictions and a newfound interest in consistency.

At a press conference called to discuss the message from on high, the Archangel Gabriel insisted that God’s track record on the topic of genocide is “still second to none,” and that he was “happy to hear any prayers on the subject,” despite God’s steadfast and immutable decision to cease action in the region.

“What’s going on here is nothing different from what God’s been doing for the last 6,000 years,” Gabriel insisted. “Up in Heaven we’re having as tough a year as anyone out there, but even if we could work on this conflict, it’s just not something God has any interest in doing at the moment. He’s involved in a bunch of different projects right now, and, hey, still working on the upcoming Jesus reunion tour.”

Gabriel went on to say that neither the Father, Son, nor the Holy Spirit were involved in the recent killings of uncounted thousands of people, adding, “If we had our fingers in this pie, you’d know it already. We’ve done a quick survey of the situation and decided to let this one play out. God’s a busy guy, and we all know you guys can tough out a few incidents of mass murder here and there.”

At press time, Jesus was unavailable for comment, having been called to Tuscon to help find 78- year-old Margret Matson’s 1993 Mercury Grand Marquis key fob.